radioEARTH
The World's Funniest Collection of Masturbation Terms
For women:
Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Brushing your afro
Buttering your bagel
Checking for squirrels
Checking the foxhole
Checking the oil
Checking the status of the I/O port
Cleaning my fur coat
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Defrosting the freezer
Dialing the rotary phone
Diggin' the stench trench
Digging for my keys
Doing my nails
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the two-finger slot rumba
Double-clicking your mouse
Draining the tuna
Drilling for oil
Dusting the endtable
Feeding the bearded clam
Filling the pink taco
Filling your niche
Finding yourself
Fingering something out
Finishing the job
Fishing for cumpliments
Fishing for mackerel
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Flossing the cat
Fluffing the kitty
Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
Going deep sea diving
Going to and from the Batcave
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Having ladyfingers and cream
Hitchhiking South
Indoor fishing
Jilling off
JocelynEldering
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making your own gravy
Menage a moi
Mistressbate
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Petting the kitty
Playing the clitar
Playing the slots
Polishing the wedding ring
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Reading braille
Reading the map of Tazmania
Riding the unicycle
Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Searching for Ms. "G"
Shebopping
Shucking the fresh water clam
Slapping Susie
Slapping the mackerel
Sliding into home
Soaking in Palmolive
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking in the mystery cave
Stirring the soup
Strumming the big open C
Surfing the web
Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
Taking a dip in the lake
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Testing the waters
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Tickling the kitty
Tiptoe through the TwoLips
Tossing the pink salad
Twinkling the little star
Two-finger taco tango
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Washing your fingers
Whipping your cream
Working out at the Y
For Men:
A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Beating the fuck out of your best friend
Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick
Blueball baseball
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your other hand
Checking the plumbing
Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Committing mass spermicide
Decongesting the weasel
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Firing the presidential staff
Fishing for zipper trout
Five-finger discount
Flogging your dumber brother
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Freeing the hostages
Freeing Willy
Getting your palm red
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a staff meeting
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Launching the morning missile
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the bald guy cry
Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Manhandling your man-handle
Milking the bull
Million sperm march
My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
One-handed workout
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing with Yoosef
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Practicing for the Big Game
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Romancing the bone
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Sanding the obelisk
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Spackling the ceiling
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Tenderizing the tube steak
Test-firing the meat missile
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Tube sock tango
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
White-water wristing
Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
Zygote spraying